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[Lemonade and brownies, Bitch.]

-Fresh like Wonderbread-

3/22/11 05:04 pm - Is this thing still on? oh and poop.

So I was poked. Or nudged or whatever el-Jay calls it's facsimile of Facebook features. (Games? Really Live Journal??)

Anyway. Haven't been here much the last... oh, four years-ish. I don't know if that will change or not. I'm not SURE about much anymore.

Was recently in the hospital again. For pneumonia. I guess. They thought I might have had a Pulmonary Embolism too, so they kept me longer than necessary and did all kinds of weird shit to me. (Breathing radioactive gas, etc.)

They came up to me around day 2 and said, 'We need a stool sample'. And then proceeded to pull out one of those tiny cups you usually get for urine tests. I asked how they exactly expect me to maneuver that. Because the chances of getting poo on me was extraordinarily high unless they were also planning on giving me some thongs, rubber gloves, or a robot contraption that would extend out of the toilet and take care of business for me.

But they explained that it would be fine.

So I managed to 'forget' to collect that sample the entire hospital stay. Eventually they seemed to forget about it and stop asking.

Also, because I kind of feel gross if I don't shower at least once a day, and taking a shower in the hospital involves 30 people, tape, and plastic bags, (and occasionally a doctors order), I didn't get to bathe nearly enough, so I felt really gross the whole time. Especially around this one particular super hot nurse.

Other than that... Still hate my job, health kind of sucks, kids, stress, stereotyped 34 year old life stuff etc. Whatever. I am working on it. It's just taking a really long time.

Oh and this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kK1YgR7J0g

11/12/10 08:35 pm - Writer's Block: BFFs

If you were in solitary confinement for the rest of your life, and you discovered a cockroach in your room, would you kill it or make it your friend?


That roach would be A STAIN on the floor.

What'd you expect, I'm in solitary confinement for life, I'm a MOTHERFUCKIN KILLA.

11/2/10 01:09 am - In hiding.

My head hurts. I can feel my pulse beating in my face. I'm reluctant to take the pill that will stop it because I know I will soon fall asleep after. I want to get things done. It just doesn't ever seem to happen. I feel that I'm not good enough to make it happen.

I change my mind often. I find that experience and circumstances make me see things differently than I had previously, so I tend to adjust my belief systems in accordance with that. They always say to roll with the punches. that's what I'm trying to do. I still catch myself thinking that theres something external, outside of myself that has control/power over me to help me. (Or hurt). That when I'm sick and in pain, I ask god to fix it. I have asked god even how to fix it myself. Of course there's never been any answer to that. I wonder if that's because it's not gods job to answer. Or maybe there isn't a god. Maybe there is, but if god did answer, it would scare the shit out of me and do way more harm than good. I do certainly believe in some form of a 'god'. Not a gray old man. Not even anything remotely sensical, really.

I think that maybe god is whatever we say it is. Maybe the people that believe in jesus get to meet him after death. The pagans see whatever they believe in, the muslims, the same. Everyone experiences what they believe to be true. Why does anyone have to be wrong? Maybe we are really our own gods creating the game as we play it.

We get what we give. So because I feel like shit right now does that mean I've made someone else feel like shit? This causes me to think about my actions more carefully.

So if god does exist, as a 'parent' would god really want us a.-obeying everything god says, and b-having us rely on god for everything? I think any 'super being' would want us to be self sufficient. To figure shit out for ourselves. To grow up and stop whining about life. To progress, carve something out for ourselves. A parent would not want us to suffer, and would help when a child needs it, but would want the child to grow and be able to help themselves too. Why does everyone pray or god to provide? Maybe god wants us to do it on our own?

This weekend was kind of the 'weekend from hell'. Not sure if I would have wanted it to be different though. Sometimes I think I sabotage myself if something seems too easy for me otherwise. Has to be a challenge to be any kind of fun.

9/3/10 06:57 pm - It's Getting Boring by the Sea.

Holy shit Live Journal.

It’s been 22 weeks. (Or 154 days. Or 1.33056e13 Microseconds for the math nerds.) Thought about adding some gas to the smoldering fire and just burning it down to the ground. But, I haven’t yet. Couldn’t tell you why though. Just not interested in writing I guess.

Not really sure why I’m writing now either. Perhaps my office boredom has reached critical mass?

So. Life. We’ve moved. Living in a house. Pretty alright. Nice neighborhood. Quiet. I’m still working the same job, doing the same things, in the same department. Kids are still kids. Hollz is still Hollz. (Although she is slowly getting more brave with her choice of hair color. I’m working her up to blue.)

I’m still discontent and jaded. I’ve been married for 10 years. I tend to think of things using that scale; before marriage and during marriage, using that 10 years as a sort of ‘where exactly was I during that time period’. I remember what I was like before, and knowing how I feel now, I miss that bastard. I wish I could be him again. He was innocent and unspoiled. He was wide eyed and he had tons of hope. The asshole I’ve become is tired and lacking all of those other qualities.

Shit, I used to DRAW and PAINT for FUN. I haven’t produced real art since before I’ve been married. Fuck, who has time with work and kids and sleep and family functions.

I know that’s bullshit because if I scheduled it and broke it down I DO have time. I’d rather sleep however. Not sure what exactly is so painful about being awake.

I know marriage isn’t what changed me. 10 years ago I wasn’t working the corporate lifestyle. I was young and healthier. I was naive about a lot too. These last 10 years, thanks to living in cubicles and the internet, I more less read everything the internet has to offer all day long in-between job duty’s. Maybe the internet has corrupted my brains? I don’t have to go to a library to find out who was the 28th president, I can google it and get an answer, pictures, several wiki’s about it and several more photo shopped pictures of that 28th president having sex with other presidents and dressed like a ‘juggalo’.

So life has boiled down to me constantly looking for what will make me feel content/happy. Go ahead and tell me I can be the only person to make me happy, and contentment comes from within. Yeah, I know. Whatever. I think the answer might be that there is no contentment. No true happiness. Just distractions and trying to forget. Maybe being ‘happy’ is just coming to terms with knowing you’ll never be.

Old Josh from 10 years ago would have kicked my ass for saying that. But where is he now, that little bitch.
Wow that came across kind of… hateful. That’s not really my style. Jeesus, I must be having a bad day. Week/life. Etc.

4/18/10 07:05 pm - Writer's Block: Take me as I am

Would you be upset if a long-term partner confessed that s/he'd committed a serious crime before you met? How do you think it would affect your relationship?


As long as it wasn't something violent like murder of sexual abuse, I'd probably find it hot.

3/23/10 02:06 pm - Stressed the Eff out

So I’ve Filed for FMLA because I’ve missed some work lately due to health issues. Long story short, because my old doctor dropped me because she was inexperienced (and misdiagnosed me), and my new doctor doesn’t want to be held liable because I’ve only been his patient for 2 weeks, no one will fill out the paper work for me.

My specialist doctors, tell me it’s my primary care doctors job to fill it out so… I am stuck, and pissed off. I intend to call the FMLA people as soon as I can tonight and see if they can just pull my medical records because those records show all of the hospital stays, and illnesses etc. So maybe that is proof good enough.

I really hate doctors.

So, also, I have a lady at work whisper to me that she overheard something, and it troubled her, and thought I should know about it…

I leaned in to hear her and she said she didn’t want it to look like she was talking to me, because she didn’t want anyone else to know whatever this mysterious secret is, or she didn’t want management to know she told me, whatever it is.

So I didn’t hear her, and she told me she would talk to me later about it. And that was at at 9AM this morning; and I don’t know anything more. So it’s driving me absolutely CRAZY. I mean, as far as I know, they are laying off the entire department, I am getting fired specifically, They are giving us pay cuts, or maybe it’s something stupid like adding a new responsibility to our already busy department. OMG. CRAZY STRESS now until I find out what it is though. Maybe I’m getting fired from the FMLA thing? I don’t know. It would be bullshit, but whatever. I’m resilient.

3/7/10 05:28 pm - Time to

Clocks are jumping out at me, practically getting ran over by cars to make me notice. I don't know why, or what that means, but I noticed, so now what?

There's a sticky cloud of meh following me around lately. I think the only way to escape would be to cut myself out of this vessel and hide under some stairs for a few days. There are no stairs in this house, I am reminded. Jumping and smacking myself doesn't seem to be shaking this grog off, although the static shock I get every time I get out of bed is certainly trying.

Hollz is bipolar. Not in a roid rage kind of a way, in a YAY/OH NOES kind of a way. We've been together for about 11ish years. Eleven years provides a nice vivisection of someone to get to know. You can really get in there and see all of those pores fighting with each other. And to prevent that.

Really, between us, thats my whole philosophy on relationships. At least the ones I am in. If she is happy, then that makes me happy, to know that. To see her laugh and smile and know it's not fake. To know INSIDE she is screaming with joy and awesomeness and those smiles are payment like checks you know will never bounce.

But again, Hollz is bipolar.

So she is often not happy. I am screaming and slamming myself against a wall and on the other side she does not even hear the slightest bit of noise, because she exists in a bubble. And that bubble is filled with sadness, and total hopelessness regardless of what anyone else does.

This makes me absolutely insane. I am a man that fixes problems. My job is literally to solve problems all day long. TO make things WORK. No matter how much :D I throw at this, it doesn't even matter.

I think she knows, and it upsets her even more. Obviously I don't want that.

Another problem is that her :( is infectious. Or course, even when spending a small amount of time with someone their mojo will rub off on you.

I've thought this was often a perspective thing, and that if I put MYSELF into a bubble, an anti-gloom bubble, that my mojo would rub off on her, and would prevent these swings. Occasionally that helps, but it never really WORKS. Again, external influence does not really affect her bubble of sad.

She is on meds by the way.

I don't know how much she is trying at this. I think she has given up any ideas about controlling herself emotionally. Of course, that goes along with feeling hopeless you know.

She needs more than the meds. She needs to see someone. She was briefly, but is impatient and wasn't getting results immediately. She was told to do things like meditate, which she says she cannot effetely do, even thought meditating really just requires you to sit and relax quietly.

Above all, I think she just needs to TRY. I don't think she's much interested in trying because it hasn't gotten her anywhere this long right? Wo why continue? (this I assume is her thought process on it). Me, I'm the type of person that will stubbornly continue to do something forever simply out of spite.

I love her more than anything though, so I will of course continue to slam my head against that wall in vein forever if I have to. I guess I just get tired sometimes of feeling like I'm not having even the tinniest effect on her emotionally.

I guess the good thing about bipolar(ness) is that hopefully in a few days she will be on an upswing and things will be good again. :D Albeit briefly.

3/7/10 12:54 am - My feminine side is a lesbian.

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid


I scored an average of 0.43



01 2 3 4 5
6

HeterosexualBisexual Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary


The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

3/3/10 11:51 pm - Diet coke feigns its love for me.

 When I write in here lately I feel like I'm digging up a corpse, propping it up in the corner and watching reruns of Buffy with it.  Been sick a lot lately.  Missed a lot of work.  Gastroparesis and the diabeetus has been getting to me.  So, I filed for the FMLA and all of that crap, which means dealing with doctors on a level I'd rather not.  (Getting a doctor to fill out paperwork for you is a giant reckless affair.  (Well, unless that paperwork will somehow net the doctor some $$.)

Been working on some internet/web server type stuff when I've had good days.  It feels incredibly powerful to type a few things on a command line and make a server on the other side of the country do your bidding.  It also feels incredibly nerdy, but why front, right?

Speaking of street cred, God of war 3 and Final Fantasy 13, (roman numerals are for romans!), come out for the PS3 in about a week.  So that means I'll be getting a lot less of that internet/web server stuff done soon.

Okay, the corpse is starting to smell, time to put him back in his hole.

2/21/10 06:11 pm - My wife told me I had to do this.*SIGH*

Not that it means that I HAVE to, because she certainly cannot make me.  At least I'd like to see her try.  Well... maybe not.

Anyway, I refuse to tag people because that's one of the things that makes the internet more useless.  (It causes cyber pollution, which gets in the way of people being able to find quality porn.)

My brains are fuzzy today.  So are my eyes.  Okay, here's your meme Hollz:

1.- i like to sleep with the TV on at night.  Also the ceiling fan for background noise.  Perfect silence and darkness freaks me out.
2.- I don't like taking aspirin or pain killers because I feel like the pain is there for a reason, so i try to deal until I absolutely cannot.
3.- I switched to Macs about a year, and really, maybe 8 years ago it wasn't worth it, but now it totally is.  But they are so nice and shiny...
4.- I'm still addicted to diet coke.  Tried to give it up once or twice, but then what am I going to drink?  Just water?!  Bah.
5.- I grew out this manly beard over the last few months.  It was pretty rad, but Hollz bitching made me shave it down some.  That and I saw my reflection in an elevator door at work a week ago and realized if I had a dirty jacket on, I'd have passed for homeless.
6.- Occasionally I try to move stuff with my mind.  I think it worked once, but it could have been the wind.  
7.- I like to get into arguments with people that are idiots.  ESP at work because when they realize how stupid they actually are, (when you show them step by step what happened), I love it when they retract their canine teeth and scurry away in shame.
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